Everyone wants to come to the aid of those who are grieving.

In their attempts to offer assistance or to show compassion, some people end up doing more harm than good.

I know this from personal experience having experienced the loss of a spouse. I was an executive at a major healthcare IT firm and I was a Mom of two children when this occurred. As much as I know that people in my workspace meant well, there are so many things that could have been done better or differently.

There is no error-proof approach or guaranteed successful outcomes to this as each situation is different.

One of my roles in life now is that of a grief support facilitator and I have discovered that the do’s and don’ts provided below have proven to be very effective:

10  Things To Avoid Saying to Someone Experiencing Grief

1. I know how you feel.
2. Be strong.  He /she would want you to be.
3. Be grateful that he/she lived a long life.
4. Things happen for a reason, and we simply have to accept them.
5. It’s been X amount of months/years. You can’t possibly still be grieving.
6. You’ll be OK. Mary,  Joe, etc. suffered a loss and they’re doing just fine.
7. He/she served their purpose, and it was time for them to gain their wings. God needed him/her more.
8. You can have another child. At least he/she wasn’t an only child, and you still have X number of children.
9. They died suddenly, at least they didn’t suffer.
10. It’s been long enough. It’s time for you to get out and be with people. Be normal again.

On the flip side, consider these instead:

10  Low-Risk Things To Do or Say to Someone Experiencing Grief

1. I am saddened by/sorry for your loss.
2. I don’t know how you feel, but I’m here to help in any way that I can.
3. “I’ll call you.” (But only if you will). 
4. Follow the lead of the bereaved. They will often let you know what they need.
5. My favorite memory of your loved one is….
6. Listen to their stories, questions, feelings.
7. Give a hug instead of saying anything.
8. Offer to help with tasks such as laundry, shopping, childcare, sending sympathy cards, etc.
9. “I am usually up early or (late) if you need to talk.”
10. Listen 90% and talk 10% of the time. This is more about their comfort level, not yours.

There is such a thing as “foot in mouth syndrome” and many engage in it unknowingly when trying to support survivors.

When offering grief support, very often less is more. Grieving people are often struggling just to B.R.E.A.T.H.E

The heart tends to do a better job of conveying one’s intent – typically much better than the mouth.