Lost in the Wilderness: Finding My Purpose

Written August 2014

This Post Has Also Been Featured At Heart & Soul Ezine

How often do you find yourself stretched in more directions than you can count? Attempting to be all things to all people, leaving little time for self? I am without a doubt, guilty as charged. I recently walked past a mirror and barely recognized myself. Having lost a few pounds in the past few months, I am probably in the best physical shape of my post-childbirth life. Yay Me! However, the reflection in the mirror said, “Woman, your hair and your brows are in need of some dire attention!” I glanced at my nails and realized that a manicure and a pedicure were also very much in need. The beauty in my big brown eyes remained visible, yet the spark within them seemed dim. Fatigue was also very much present. You see, sleep doesn’t come easy of late and when it does, its longevity is brief. Oops, did I send you another text at 5:00 a.m.? If so, please forgive me.

Just who was this stranger in the mirror, I wondered as she did not appear to be the woman whom I have always known. A woman who was notoriously adamant about being at the top of her game. Where was the proud lioness, whose mane is generally perfectly coiffed and whose roar dominated the spaces in which she entered? As these questions lingered in the air, I felt a sense of emptiness and disappointment. It was at that moment that I realized that I was lost in the wilderness of life.

I’ve been consumed by my primary responsibilities of ensuring that my greatest blessings, my children, are properly attended to. Like most decent parents, being a caregiver and protector of my offspring is THE most important task on my lengthy “to do” list. Like many others, I am responsible for maintaining a home, one that is aging expeditiously and rendering me helpless on many days. Cries for attention from my humble abode grow louder each day. I am fortunate that the love of my life is also my Mr. Fix It; nevertheless, the worries and stress that come with these realities remain persistent.

I have had the luxury of not having a “boss” breathing down my neck for the past few years and with that “privilege” came a sense of freedom that can only be labeled as “priceless”. Yet in recent months, as my youngest began to prepare to graduate from high school, the reality of my evolving role has forced me to begin examining the blueprint of the remainder of my life. My oldest is aggressively pursuing his sports journalism career and my youngest will begin his undergraduate journey in less than two weeks. I will begin… exactly what? This is the looming question of what lies ahead for me, mother of two young men, soon to be an empty nester and now a proud Jack & Jill of America, Inc. Associate. My boys will always be my babies, but they are on the path to adulthood and I am on a path to a place that I sadly cannot specify just yet.

You see, I am in search of something that I somehow lost sight of – my purpose. I possess many talents that I have unselfishly shared over the years. However, I realize that the impact of my contributions will ultimately diminish if I do not soon identify and recapture my inner self. What is God’s plan for me? Will he send me a sign, or will he allow me to explore, stumble and eventually find my footing? Time will only tell and I anxiously await the moment of my reawakening. I am confident that it will happen sooner than later because I am a believer and I’m not one to accept uncertainty for lengthy periods of time.

I have lived life to the fullest thus far and I am admittedly somewhat of a control freak. OK, yes, I am the Queen of the Type- A Personality jungle! I am a proud Leo Woman and such traits admittedly come naturally. I will continue to seek the answers that I so desperately need for this journey. Mindful of a phrase that was ingrained in my brain, back in my corporate America days, “Life is not a journey, it is a destination.” I am mapping out a plan, but I am also smart enough to know that when all is said and done, God will be my personal GPS and his guidance will lead me down the right path. I have begun a much-needed self-assessment and realized that I have been blessed with many gifts and my most treasured is the gift of writing.

This, my very first blog post, is an expression of my gratitude for all that I have been blessed with, yet it is also an acknowledgment of my turmoil. I am fully aware that I am not alone in this maze of questions, doubts, and conflict that life often brings our way. I know that many of you, male and female, are reading this and seeing yourselves in my words. What are your gifts? Can you honestly say that you consistently utilize those which have been bestowed upon you? Do you know what your purpose is and are you successfully working toward those goals? I encourage you to look deep within today, realizing tomorrow is promised to no one.

In the meantime, I have carved out some time for some well-deserved pampering, in hopes of at least regaining recognition of the image in the next mirror that I happen to pass. Fear not, I will never lose sight of my self-worth, or my value to those who mean the most to me. I possess way too much pride and dignity for that to occur. However, from this moment forward, as I have celebrated another birthday (thank you Lord!), I must be cognizant of the need to love and take care of self, first and foremost. I also long to bask in a place of peace, serenity and satisfaction more often than not, and I must take personal responsibility for making this a priority.

Let’s face it; the reality is this – if Momma isn’t happy, even Pharrell singing “Happy” won’t be able to come to your rescue! In the meantime, I am ready to tune out any negative forces, turn up my motivation to live life to the fullest and certainly, to find the roof to my room!