Often times we hear about “absent” fathers, and all too often those absent fathers are missing from the African American community. Sadly, we come to discover that those absent or less than perfect examples of fathers usually had poor male role models or no role models at all when growing up. As a result, these men became fathers, without knowing how to be good parents first. I however was fortunate. I have a terrific father, and he is my template for how I am raising my son.

I was born in the early ’50s, graduated from high school in the late ’60s and went to college in the ’70s. I didn’t finish until decades later, but that’s a whole other story. When I was nine years old, WW II had only been over for 15 years. I grew up in a family of six, mom, dad, a sister, and three brothers. My sister is the oldest, and I’m the oldest of the three boys.

I mentioned the war because my father is a veteran. Not only is he a veteran, but he is a Tuskegee Air Man. He was a dyed-in-the-wool, no BS, straight-up fighter pilot. He flew 60 plus missions with the 332nd Fighter Group in North Africa and Italy. He piloted a P-51 Mustang, one of the most advanced fighter planes at the time. He risked his life on long bomber escorts over hostile enemy territory. When I was little, having him as my dad was the coolest thing in the world. I would put on his Air Corps hat and look at myself in the mirror and pretend I was just like him. He would take me to “Father and Son Night” at the airbase when he was in the Air Force reserves. Everywhere he went on the base; he was saluted. In public, he was always polite to those around him. He was the very definition of an officer and a gentleman.

My parenting template began with how my father treated my mother. They were crazy about each other. I could tell by the way he spoke to and treated her. I never saw them say a mean thing to each other. I’m sure they had disagreements, but never in front of us. Now that is not necessarily a good thing but at the time, it worked for them. They also never broke ranks. We couldn’t play them off against each other. In fact, if we did that, we risked getting into even more trouble for going to one parent after the other had already said “NO.”

If there is one thing I hope my son Parker retains, it will be how he sees me treat his mom. Before one even decides to have a child, if the foundation between future parents isn’t incredibly strong that child doesn’t stand a chance. If I were having problems with my wife, that would seep into how I interact with my son. The things you say in a moment of “pissed off-ness” about the bastard/bitch you married/left/dated, are retained by your offspring. Often, we see how kids become pawns in the grownups drama. I have co-workers who speak ill of their significant other and then in the next breath complain about how the children are acting out. Somehow these folk are incapable of putting the two events together. Even when they do, they don’t seem to be able to stop the negativity.

I love being a parent. I loved it from the day Deborah told me she was pregnant. From that very moment, I began thinking about what my role would be. It started with a trip to her OB-GYN. We, men, THINK we know what to expect, but we really don’t with the first child. I learned about amniocentesis and ultrasounds. I went with Deborah to those Lamaze classes. I learned about pregnant women’s diets and exercise. In short, I was “all in” from the beginning, even before the birth of our son. The involvement of the dad leading up to the birth is crucial. The doctors have much more respect for dads if they see you involved. Being in the delivery room is a must. If for no other reason than it gives you something to brag about during your poker games.

Quality time with your children is essential. My father was a teacher so he had the summers off and four kids to entertain. He took us everywhere. When I became a father and wanted to get out of the house, I had little choice but to take Parker with me. I turned it into an adventure and never thought he was keeping me from doing something else. HE was the ‘something else’ and it was ok to let him know that yes, right now, the world does revolve around you. We moved to Europe when he was five. At first, I stayed home while his mom worked, so we spent lots of time together watching cartoons and just being together.

Having the right spouse/foundation comes in handy. In May of 2007, at the age of 14, Parker contracted a severe auto-immune disease (Lupus). He had been ill and ran a fever for about a week. Deborah was in Washington, D.C., and he and I were scheduled to meet her there for a family weekend. On this particular morning, I was on my way to work, but had a very strange feeling about Parker. I turned around, drove back home, and immediately took him to the hospital. His condition deteriorated and he went into a full-blown seizure. I’ve never been so scared in my life. I totally lost it. Seeing him in such distress was the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. Deborah hurried back from D.C and while she was very upset; she was rock steady, and that helped me to focus on what would happen next. Parker slipped into a catatonic state and couldn’t eat, swallow, walk or talk. He was hospitalized for five months. I was determined not to let him spend a day alone, so we took turns staying at the hospital. It must have been hell for Deborah to see her child go through this, but she never panicked. Through all of this, he never lost his sense of humor and never complained about the hand he was dealt. I tell him all the time that he and his grandfather share something in common: both went through life-altering events at a very early age.

Neither Parker nor his grandfather ever let events embitter or deter them from what they wanted in life. I am a better father today because of the phenomenal man who calls me son and the one-of-a-kind son who proudly calls me dad.

Father and Son

Guest Blog

UPDATE: It is with great sadness that I inform my readers that Parker Enix-Ross lost his battle with Lupus on June 29, 2021. Learn more about this amazing young man, his impact on the world, and how you can support the continuation of his memory.